Specially for Mi-chan,
VanillaMint, Miss J, arna…
You’re my drug. I’m like an addict coming
to you, wanting for more.
“Kaoru,
are you free tonight?” Toshiya asked with his ever-innocent voice. “I think
so,” Kaoru replied in his usual solemn tone. Toshiya grabbed his arm and headed
for the pub.
I’ve been dying to feel you by my side,
trying to see you mind.
Toshiya
flirted with guys that come to him. After all, he is quite a pretty piece of
flesh. Kaoru merely took a glance at his actions. Did he feel anything? He let
them touch him; all he wants was his attention. He hates them but he needs
Kaoru.
The
velvet night ended just like that. Even with the watching stars, nothing
happened. “When will he notice!?” The voice in Toshiya screamed. He headed
home, with everything he needs to die. So many reason out there. “Maybe, maybe
he wouldn’t thought much about my death either,” Toshiya sigh.
Lost
in confusion. Reasons? Never lead to solutions. Problem? The addiction.
I’ll feel pain for you, twist the knife and
slice my heart for you.
He
wants everything Kaoru wants. He would do anything to please him, anything.
He
stayed back at the studio, just to finish his new piece. Just for Kaoru.
Finally done, he took the route home. He ignored the barking group behind him. He
badly needed his sleep but he got pulled back by one of them. He didn’t care
what they said. He shoved their arms away, trying to get away. He didn’t want
to care about them. He purely wants Kaoru. One of them pinned him down and
plunges into him. “For Kaoru?” He bitterly cried.
Pretend to love me. You can fool me if you
want.
Toshiya
lay under the white ceiling of the hospital bed. Normal routines of the
hospital took place. Nothing unusual. He hates the world. “Why is everything so
mean?” He questioned.
Kaoru
got to know about the incident, expected. To Toshiya, he held the attitude of “you
brought it upon yourself”. “He still don’t care!” That voice continued to
scream in Toshiya, making his insides folded and crushed. In this pretentious
world, can’t a lie just be told?
See your face every time I’m walking. Hear
your voice every time I’m talking.
Can
anything be forgotten? Still, it did happen before.
Everything
swings in the way they want to. Nothing can be stopped. Everything that flows
in Toshiya’s mind is still Kaoru. Images and voices. Nothing can be cured now. “After
all, I’m addicted,” The excuse floated up in Toshiya’s mind.
I’ll beg for you, to be part of you, to be
close to you.
Toshiya
desperately pondered. He did not want any dislikes to be sprung up.
He
took a step, merely inches away from the back of Kaoru. Hugs, do they really
mean something? Love? What a stupid word to use. “I’ll hold you tight, never
wanting you to go. Kiss me and tell me you love me too,” Toshiya never told him
them, mere whispers in his mind. Childish thinking he might have, dreams and
fantasies being created. But he knows what he wants.
I’ll kill and steal, crawl on hands and knees
until you see.
His
actions continued. He did not respond. What does it mean? Confusion? Disgust?
Kaoru
finally pulled away from Toshiya. “I won’t like this,” Kaoru spit in out in a
serious manner. Is that his answer? He left the room, left Toshiya, alone.
I believe in you.
“Should
I cry?” Toshiya asked. Sitting in his most pathetic posture.
“Tears
wash away my pain. I’ll cry for you,” Toshiya’s tears began to fell off his
eyes. Streaming down the cheeks they went. But he would never know about this.
How would he? Is it worthy?
Kaoru
was waiting for him to walk out of the studio. “He needed to go home still
right?” He asked mentally. A couple of hours of waiting, no shadows of Toshiya
could be seen. He felt so sorry now. He should just enter the place again.
I will die for you.
Toshiya
sat at the place Kaoru would always do. Dreaming of his presence, visualizing
him, creating fantasies of them together.
He
fished out a blade from his bag. You might want to call this preparation? At a
slow pace, he cut the skin across his wrist. “You never liked me, I shouldn’t
have started this all along,” Toshiya calmly told his imagination. “I’ll step
out but I’ll never go away.”
You’re just like me.
“Toshiya!!”
Kaoru held on to that unmoving body.
Tears,
blood, death. All for that miserable crush? Fool.