Thinking of You

Inspired by the pics of Toshiya playing mahjong in the Japanese Fucker Family book-thingie and mi-chan going on about Kaoru…..
Dedicated to clare and mi-chan~~

***

Toshiya leaned back in his chair stretching his arms above his head, yawning.

"I'm so full…" he sighed, flopping his head back, looking sidelong at the man next to him, "I can't move…"

"Get up Toshiya… you're not getting out of it _that_ easily! Just because you're losing…!!!!" One of the other men laughed at Toshiya's face, as he sat up and shrugged, as if to say 'well, it was worth a try…'

"Stop being such a brat, it's your turn."

Toshiya turned his attention to the tiles in front of him, inwardly sighing as he absently reached for the cigarettes beside him. It didn't really matter what he did, he was going to lose anyway. As usual. He always lost when he played with these guys, and yet, he still came back everyday, to lose more money. Well he supposed money wasn't really an issue anyway, not anymore. He lit his cigarette, exhaling as he put the tile down.

"Nine circles."

The room was fairly quiet, just the sound of the four men, breathing, talking, laughing at each other as they played. The room was empty except for the small table in one corner, near the door, not many people ever came here to play, and those that did were mainly old men, they didn't give a shit about who Toshiya was, or wasn't, or what he did when he wasn't here. They were just interested in winning all his money of him. Which they were currently doing with a vengeance, and it wasn't helped by his daydreaming all the time. He could smell the chlorine from the pool next door, and hear some overly enthusiastic kids splashing. He couldn't understand where they got so much energy. It wasn't natural; he was sure he'd never been so awake at such ungodly times of the day when he was a kid. (author note: the 'ungodly' time of the day is about 11:00 am…) Idly he wondered, when he'd started waking up so early, when he didn't have to. It can't have become _that_ much of a habit, waking up early… can it?

You just don't like staying in the bed, when there's no one to stay there with! Admit it! The voice in the back of his mind taunted him. He almost snorted aloud at that thought, The only reason there's no one in my bed, is because I don't want anyone there….

"Toshiya! It's your turn! Stop daydreaming about your girlfriend and play… It's no wonder you keep losing, with an attitude like that…"

Toshiya made a face, "You sound like Kaoru…" Why'd he have to go and remind me of him?

But then… most things reminded him of Kaoru…. His mind was full of Kaoru whether he wanted it or not.

The way he moaned whenever Toshiya turned up late, the way he would just _look_ at someone when they messed up, the way he moved when he got really into playing a song…

The way he would get that dreamy look on his face and stare off into space…

The way he stuck his chin out like a chicken…

The way he would sneak around spying on the fans when they were supposed to be getting ready for a live…

The way his hand felt, small, fingers rough from playing guitar…

The way he'd look at Toshiya after the live, with this certain expression that made Toshiya's mouth go dry, made all the blood leave his brain, rushing off to other parts of his body…

The way he'd looked up at Toshiya, confused, eyes full of hurt, overflowing with barely hidden tears and pain, so much so that Toshiya had wanted to hold him, kiss it all away, but stubbornly he didn't, he kept on with the words that perhaps he hadn't meant after all. "I think we need some time apart." Those eyes that haunted him in the day, burnt into his mind when he closed his eyes at night, if they were anything to go by, maybe he never meant what he'd blurted out, scared of what Kaoru made him feel, scared that if he didn't end it first…

He didn't remember the eyes looking quite so angry as the eyes staring at him now…

Toshiya blinked, puzzled, at the angry pair of eyes looking into his eyes, realizing that these were in fact, Kaoru's eyes, and not the one's dredged up from his memory. That is, Kaoru was standing in front of him and he looked pissed, arms crossed as he glared down at the bassist.

"Kaoru?" He sat up straight, surprised, "What are you doing here? I mean, how did you…" Taking in the narrowed eyes, the obvious anger of the shorter man looming over him, "Whatever it was, I didn't do it!"

"That would be right, wouldn't it Toshiya, because you never do anything!" Kaoru spat out. "Sitting here, playing mahjong, when you should be at the studio. Slacking off again! Why do I have to waste my time, searching around whole fucking Tokyo to drag your lazy ass into work?"

Toshiya glared back at the leader, pissed off as well now, "What the fuck is your problem Kaoru? I finished recording the bass parts yesterday, you know that! There's no fucking reason I shouldn't be here playing mahjong if I fucking well feel like it!"

" 'If I feel like it'," Kaoru's fingers were vicious as they stabbed the air, quoting Toshiya, "Fine, you just do what you like Toshiya. You go ahead, go out all night, get pissed out of your brain, end up in who knows whose bed, see if I care! But if it starts affecting the band then…."
He took a deep breath, but Toshiya butted in before he could finish the sentence.

"What, you'll kick me out Kaoru? "

Kaoru took in a sudden breath, taken aback strangely, and the two men just stared at each other for a few seconds, Kaoru's mouth frozen open in the middle of the sentence where Toshiya had interrupted him before he gathered his thoughts enough to reply.

"You just watch me, Toshiya."

He bent down to hiss the words in Toshiya's ear, quietly, but there was nothing soft in Kaoru's voice. Still, the feel of his warm breath sent shivers down Toshiya's spine. Without realizing what he was doing, he grabbed Kaoru's wrist as he stood up, stopping him from turning and storming out.

"Why can't you say what this is really about? You think I don't know why you're really pissed off with me? You're just je-" cutting himself off suddenly remembering where he was. Perhaps not the best place to have a fight with your ex-boyfriend. Well, not if you also happened to be male, and probably not even if you were female.

Toshiya glanced around at the other players, frustrated with everything, this situation, the whole situation with Kaoru, trying to gauge their reactions, hoping that… well not really sure what he was hoping, apart from they had all suddenly gone deaf and blind and thus had no idea what was going on. Either that or they had disappeared entirely. One of them looked like he wished he had too, staring down at his feet, trying to look small. The other two grinned at Toshiya unrepentantly, wrinkly old faces beaming with their gap-toothed smiles. Toshiya smiled weakly back at them, trying to laugh it off, turning back to Kaoru.

"You sound like a fucking girl Kaoru."

Kaoru tugged, trying to free his arm from Toshiya's grasp around his wrist. Toshiya just smirked up at him and held on.

"Look at you, come in here twittering about me never pulling my weight, not turning up, but you know I'm not even supposed to be there…"

Kaoru looked furious now, but he wasn't the only one, and Toshiya wasn't about to let go, no matter how much he pulled and twisted. And he was never one who knew when to stop.

"How pathetic can you get, making up excuses to see me?"

No, that mouth never did know when to shut up.

Kaoru snatched his hand away from Toshiya's grip, somehow landing a glancing blow to his cheek as he spun, stalking off towards the door.

"Fuck you, Toshiya. Just, fuck you."

Toshiya stared after him in shock, hand coming up absently to his stinging cheek.

He turned to the others, "I suppose I'd better go after him?"

***

The door slammed behind him but it barely registered, all his attention focused on the small figure rapidly disappearing down the corridor, head down, shoulders slumped, but he was walking fast. He was going to go through the door if Toshiya didn't hurry. Somehow it seemed, if he made it through the door, that he would be far more distant than on the other side of a piece of wood. The door looked so final, as if once through, that figure would become unreachable. And Kaoru looked so vulnerable somehow, like he wasn't prepared to step through that door, into whatever gap lay beyond.

So Toshiya ran.

Dodging the few children hurrying from pool to changing room, teeth chattering, and their teacher, swerving around them, ignoring the dirty looks the teacher gave him as he ran towards Kaoru.

He grabbed the shorter man from behind, wrapping his arms around him, pulling him towards himself. Kaoru stiffened in his arms.

"What the fuck do you want now, Toshiya?"

He couldn't keep the quaver out of his voice. Toshiya loosened his hold on the guitarist, but Kaoru stayed stiff, refusing to face the taller man.

"Can't you just leave me alone? Haven't you done enough? Please…"

Toshiya sighed into Kaoru's hair, "I'm sorry."

A shaky indrawn breath, "Please, just… just leave me alone, I need to be alone now… Why are you doing this?"

His head shaking back and forward, no, no, don't make me remember what it felt like, don't make me hurt more, his body tense.

Toshiya's lips moving in his hair, "Really, I'm sorry."

Toshiya turned Kaoru's face gently so he was looking up at him, "Are you crying?"

Kaoru glared at Toshiya, "And who's fault would it be if I was?"
He scrubbed at his red eyes with his hand, but it didn't do much good.

"I'm sorry…" brushing the hair away from Kaoru's eyes, " I shouldn't have said that…"

Kaoru's eyes looked up at him, almost the same as in his memories, hurt, confused, red from crying.
"Why are you doing this?" Whispered softly at Toshiya's chest, wonderingly almost. Toshiya's hand wiped the tears from Kaoru's face, continuing his apology haltinginly.
"… I didn't mean it you know. I should never have said…"

He stopped, taking a breath before speaking again, "I mean, I didn't really mean it when I said that, you know, we needed some… I was just scared… or something, I don't know why I said it. I'm sorry."

Toshiya looked down, away from Kaoru's eyes.

"What are you saying? Are you trying to say what I think you are?"

Toshiya mumbled something indecipherable. Kaoru took Toshiya's face in his hands, lifting it so he could look at him. Toshiya looked uncertain for a second, then dealt with the situation the best way he knew how, by bending down to kiss Kaoru.

Kaoru kissed back tentatively at first, getting more enthusiastic, but then he started pushing Toshiya away, hands gently pushing at the taller man's chest. Toshiya ignored him; as far as he was concerned Kaoru didn't really mean it, this half-hearted protest, his hands saying one thing (stop!) but Kaoru's own mouth seemed to be saying the opposite. And if he was truthful, how long had he been waiting for an opportunity to kiss Kaoru breathless?

Toshiya finally ended it, smirking down at a blushing Kaoru. "That answer your question?" Kaoru smiled up at him, "Brat! And…. Toshiya, this isn't really the place for this you know?"

"Am I embarrassing you already?"
But he let go of Kaoru anyway.

Kaoru wiped imaginary things off his clothes, not looking at Toshiya, suddenly serious again.
"I have to go to the studio now. And if you think you're forgiven after one little kiss, after everything you've done, you're wrong."

Toshiya's heart seemed to plunge right down to the soles of his feet at that statement.
"But, Kaoru-"

Kaoru waved a hand cutting him off, "But nothing, Toshiya."
He looked up at Toshiya, smiling suddenly, "I'll see you at the studio later though, right? I think we need to talk."

He turned to leave, but Toshiya turned him back, kissing him one more time just for good measure before he stepped through the door. You never knew what was waiting on the other side afterall.

But somehow now, he was sure it was something good, waiting for both of them.

***

Owari…

Too sappy??? The ending sux. I think I will rewrite it toimolo.. I'm too tired now.